Thursday, 28 January 2016

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If Operating Systems Ran The Airlines... Programming Jokes

UNIX Airways

Everyone brings one piece of the plane along when they come to the airport. They all go out on the runway and put the plane together piece by piece, arguing non-stop about what kind of plane they are supposed to be building.

Air DOS

Everybody pushes the airplane until it glides, then they jump on and let the plane coast until it hits the ground again. Then they push again, jump on again, and so on...

Mac Airlines

All the stewards, captains, baggage handlers, and ticket agents look and act exactly the same. Every time you ask questions about details, you are gently but firmly told that you don't need to know, don't want to know, and everything will be done for you without your ever having to know, so just shut up.

Windows Air

The terminal is pretty and colourful, with friendly stewards, easy baggage check and boarding, and a smooth take-off. After about 10 minutes in the air, the plane explodes with no warning whatsoever.

Windows NT Air

Just like Windows Air, but costs more, uses much bigger planes, and takes out all the other aircraft within a 40-mile radius when it explodes.

Windows XP Air

You turn up at the airport,which is under contract to only allow XP Air planes. All the aircraft are identical, brightly coloured and three times as big as they need to be. The signs are huge and all point the same way. Whichever way you go, someone pops up dressed in a cloak and pointed hat insisting you follow him. Your luggage and clothes are taken off you and replaced with an XP Air suit and suitcase identical to everyone around you as this is included in the exorbitant ticket cost. The aircraft will not take off until you have signed a contract. The inflight entertainment promised turns out to be the same Mickey Mouse cartoon repeated over and over again. You have to phone your travel agent before you can have a meal or drink. You are searched regularly throughout the flight. If you go to the toilet twice or more you get charged for a new ticket. No matter what destination you booked you will always end up crash landing at Whistler in Canada.

Linux Air

Disgruntled employees of all the other OS airlines decide to start their own airline. They build the planes, ticket counters, and pave the runways themselves. They charge a small fee to cover the cost of printing the ticket, but you can also download and print the ticket yourself.

When you board the plane, you are given a seat, four bolts, a wrench and a copy of the seat-HOWTO.html. Once settled, the fully adjustable seat is very comfortable, the plane leaves and arrives on time without a single problem, the in-flight meal is wonderful. You try to tell customers of the other airlines about the great trip, but all they can say is, "You had to do what with the seat?"

Example:
Sorry, this is the best analogy on the subject of linux, has been around for a long time, and is anonymous.

BTW, linux is the kernel, GNU/GPL software make up the rest of the OS and apps.  GNU/Linux is the way lawyers will say it in court.

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ID ten T error - WhatsApp Latest Joke

As we oldies know, sometimes we have trouble with our computers.

Yesterday, I had a problem, so I called Georgie, the 11 year old next door, whose bedroom looks like Mission Control, and asked him to come over.

Georgie clicked a couple of buttons and solved the problem.

As he was walking away, I called after him, 'So, what was wrong?

He replied, 'It was an ID ten T error.'

I didn't want to appear stupid, but nonetheless inquired, 'An, ID ten T error? What's that? In case I need to fix it again.'

Georgie grinned, 'Haven't you ever heard of an ID ten T error before?'

'No,' I replied.

'Write it down,' he said, 'and I think you'll figure it out.'

So I wrote down:
ID10T

😠

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Indian tourist joke

Indian tourist walks into a curio shop in San Francisco.
Looking around at the exotic curios, he notices a very lifelike, Life-sized bronze statue of a rat.
It has no price tag, But is so striking he decides he must have it.
He takes it to the owner: "How much for the bronze rat?"
"Twelve dollars for the rat, one hundred dollars for the Story," says the owner.
The tourist gives the man twelve dollars. "I'll just take the rat,you can keep the story."
As he walks down the street carrying his bronze rat, He notices that a few real rats crawl out of the alleys and sewers and begin following him down the street.
This is disconcerting; he begins walking faster. But within a couple of blocks, the herd of rats behind him grows to hundreds, and they begin squealing.
He begins to trot toward the Bay, looking around to see that the rats now numbered in the MILLIONS, and are still squealing and coming towards him faster and faster.
Concerned, even scared, he runs to the edge of the Bay and throws the bronze rat as far out into the Bay as he can.
Amazingly, the millions of rats all jump into the Bay after it, and are all drowned.
The man walks back to the curio shop.
"Ah ha," says the owner, "You have come back for the Story?"





NOW SCROLL DOWN FURTHER.


























"No," says the man, "I came back to see if you have a statue of a politician in bronze...

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SIGNS that tell me you're gonna smile

A sign in a shoe repair store:
We will heel you,
We will save your sole,
We will even dye for you.

In a Podiatrist's office:  
"Time wounds all heels.”;

At an Optometrist's Office:
"If you don't see what you're looking for,
You've come to the right place.”;

On a Plumber's truck :
"We repair what your husband fixed.”;

On another Plumber's truck:
"Don't sleep with a drip. Call your plumber.”;

At a Tyre Shop in Milwaukee :
"Invite us to your next blowout.”;

On an Electrician's truck:
"Let us remove your shorts.”;

In a Non-smoking Area:
"If we see smoke, we will assume you are on fire and will take appropriate action.”;

On a Maternity Room door:
"Push. Push. Push.”;

At a Car Dealership:
"The best way to get back on your feet - miss a car payment.”;

Outside a Muffler Shop:
"No appointment necessary. We hear you coming.”;

In a Veterinarian's waiting room:
"Be back in 5 minutes. Sit! Stay!”;

At the Electric Company:
"We would be delighted if you send in your payment on time.
However, if you don't, YOU will be de-lighted.”;

In a Restaurant window:
"Don't stand there and be hungry; come on in and get fed up.”;

In the front yard of a Funeral Home:
"Drive carefully. We'll wait.”;

In a Chicago Radiator Shop:
"Best place in town to take a leak.”;

Sign on the back of  Septic Tank Truck:
"Caution - This Truck is full of Political Promises"

On another Septic Tank Truck:
"Yesterday's Meals on Wheels"

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Can it get punnier than this

Timmy: I'm Hungary,
Mum: Why don't you Czech the fridge.
Timmy: OK I'm Russian to the kitchen.
Mum: Hmmm.. may be you'll find some Turkey.
Timmy: Yeah but its all covered in Greece. yuck!
Mum: There is Norway you can eat that.
Timmy: I know, I guess I'll just have a can of Chile
Mum: Denmark your name on the can.
Timmy: Kenya do it for me?
Mum: OK, I'm Ghana do it.
Timmy: Thanks, i'm so tired Iran for an hour today
Mum: It Tokyo long enough.
Timmy: yeah Israelly hard sometimes...

Friday, 22 January 2016

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അധ്വാനിക്കുന്നവന്റെ വിയര്‍പ്പിന്റെ രുചി

അധ്വാനിക്കുന്നവന്റെ വിയര്‍പ്പിന്റെ രുചി അറിഞ്ഞിട്ടുണ്ടോ...?
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അതറിയണമെങ്കിൽ ...

പൊറോട്ട കഴിക്കണം..
പൊറോട്ട !!������

Thursday, 21 January 2016

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ഭാര്യ ഓമനിച്ചു വളർത്തുന്ന... Malayalam Joke

ഭാര്യ ഓമനിച്ചു വളർത്തുന്ന..
പൂച്ചയെ ശശി വല്ലാതെ
വെറുത്തിരുന്നു...
ഒരു ദിവസം ശശി
അതിനെ..
ഒരു ചാക്കിലാക്കി കാറോടിച്ച്
വീട്ടിൽ നിന്നും മൂന്ന് നാല്...
കിലോമീറ്റർ അപ്പുറത്തുള്ള..
പാർക്കിൽ കൊണ്ടു വിട്ടു..
തിരിച്ച്
വീട്ടിൽ വന്നപ്പോൾ...
പൂച്ച വീട്ടിലെ കിച്ചണിൽ..
പാത്രങ്ങള് നക്കുന്നു...!! പിറ്റേ ദിവസം
ശശി പത്ത്..
കിലോമീറ്റർ അപ്പുറത്ത്...
പൂച്ചയെ ഇറക്കി വിട്ടു... ശശി മടങ്ങി
കാർ പോർച്ചിൽ
കയറ്റി ഗേറ്റ് അടക്കാൻ....
തിരിഞ്ഞപ്പോഴേക്കും പൂച്ച..
മുന്നിൽ "മ്യാവ്.... മ്യാവ്" അങ്ങനെ ശശി
പഠിച്ച പണി..
പതിനെട്ടും.. നോക്കി...
പക്ഷെ അപ്പോഴൊക്കെ പൂച്ച
അയാളെ തോൽപ്പിച്ചു... ഒടുവിൽ ശശി
ആവസാന..
അടവ് പുറത്തെടുക്കാന്...
തന്നെ തീരുമാനിച്ചു... !!! ഇത്തവണ ശശി
കുറെ..
കിലോമീറ്ററുകളോളം...
വണ്ടിയോടിച്ചു പോയി..
വലിയൊരു പാലം കടന്നു..
വലത്തോട്ടും ഇടത്തോട്ടുമായി
പത്തു ഇരുപതോളം വഴികൾ.. തിരിഞ്ഞു
എല്ലാം കൊണ്ടും..
വളരെയധികം സുരക്ഷിതമെന്നു
ഉറപ്പിച്ച ഒരു സ്ഥലത്തെ കാട്ടു ��
പൊന്തയില് പൂച്ചയെ പതുക്കെ
ഉപേക്ഷിച്ചു മടങ്ങി.... ��മണിക്കൂറുകൾക്കു
ശേഷം..
ശശി ഭാര്യയെ വിളിച്ചു...!!
"ആനീ....
പൂച്ച അവിടെയുണ്ടോ"...?? ഭാര്യ:
"ഉണ്ടല്ലോ...
എന്തേ ചോദിച്ചത്"... ??

ശശി: "ഒന്നൂല്ല്യ.....
നീ... ആ..
ഫോണൊന്നു പൂച്ചക്ക്�� കൊടുക്കൂ.....

എനിക്ക് വഴി തെറ്റി...!!!!����

Wednesday, 13 January 2016

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Malayalam Jokes

ടീച്ചറെ കോഴിയെന്ന് വിളിച്ചതിന്
ടീച്ചറെന്നെ തല്ലി.

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എല്ലാ പേപ്പറിലും മുട്ട മാത്രം
തരുന്ന അവരെ ഞാൻ പിന്നെന്ത്
വിളിക്കണം.......����

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Its Attitude that shines.

Who will work in my Absence? 
Sun asked the entire world during sunset.
Everyone remained silent, but the candle whispered,
'I Will Try My Level Best'

It’s not the SIZE..... but the ATTITUDE that shines..!!
Good Morning..

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Malayalam Jokes

ടീച്ചറെ കോഴിയെന്ന് വിളിച്ചതിന്
ടീച്ചറെന്നെ തല്ലി.

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എല്ലാ പേപ്പറിലും മുട്ട മാത്രം
തരുന്ന അവരെ ഞാൻ പിന്നെന്ത്
വിളിക്കണം.......����

on 1 comment

The art of programming - Funny pic

WhatsApp Funny Pic

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Public Toilet - WhatsApp Joke

I was in a public toilet and had just sat down, when I heard a voice from the next cubicle, he said “Hi!, how are you?”
Embarrassed, I said, “I’m doing fine”.
The voice said “So what are you up to?”.
I said, “Just doing the same as you, sitting here!”.
From next door, “Can I come over?”. Annoyed, I said, "rather busy right now”.
The voice said, “Listen, I will have to call you back, there’s an idiot next door answering all my questions"

on 1 comment

മാഗി ആണാണോ പെണ്ണാണോ .?

Q. മാഗി ആണാണോ പെണ്ണാണോ .?

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Ans. ആണാണ് .. കാരണം മാഗി 2 മിനിറ്റു കൊണ്ട് റെഡി ആവുന്നു.

പെണ്ണ് റെഡിയാവാൻ ഒരു മണിക്കൂർ വേണ്ടേ , അപ്പോൾ മാഗി ആണല്ലേ ,

ഹ ഹ ഹ ഹ������������������ കൊല്ലരുത് പേടിപ്പിച്ച് വിട്ടാൽ മതി �������� ഞാനൊരു പാവമാ ,,,,!��

വെറുപ്പിക്കൽസ് തുടരും
��
ചോദ്യം : ലില്ലിയുടെ പപ്പാടെ
പേരെന്ത് ?
ഉത്തരം : ലോലി ......
"ങേ !!! "
അതു നിനക്കെങ്ങനെയറിയാം???
" അതേന്ന് നീ കേട്ടിട്ടില്ലേ ???"
" ലില്ലി പപ്പാ ലോലി
ലില്ലി പപ്പാ ലോലി "

����

Sunday, 10 January 2016

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Solve this, twist ur brain

��
1. I am a 11 letter Indian city.
2. Last 6 letters is fruit name.
3. 7,8,3 letters is a bird name..
4. 6,7,5,3 is a part of the face.
5. 1,8,3 is used by student
6. 9,5,3 is a soap name
��101% brain work.��
Reply.

Thursday, 7 January 2016

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This is Absolutely Brilliant - Great WhatsApp Joke


The European Commission has just announced an agreement whereby English will be the official language of the European Union rather than German, which was the other possibility.

As part of the negotiations, the British Government conceded that English spelling had some room for improvement and has accepted a 5- year phase-in plan that would become known as "Euro-English".

In the first year, "s" will replace the soft "c". Sertainly, this will make the sivil servants jump with joy. The hard "c" will be dropped in favour of "k". This should klear up konfusion, and keyboards kan have one less letter.

There will be growing publik enthusiasm in the sekond year when the troublesome "ph" will be replaced with "f". This will make words like fotograf 20% shorter.

In the 3rd year, publik akseptanse of the new spelling kan be expekted to reach the stage where more komplikated changes are possible.

Governments will enkourage the removal of double letters which have always ben a deterent to akurate speling.

Also, al wil agre that the horibl mes of the silent "e" in the languag is disgrasful and it should go away.

By the 4th yer people wil be reseptiv to steps such as replasing "th" with "z" and "w" with "v".

During ze fifz yer, ze unesesary "o" kan be dropd from vords kontaining "ou" and after ziz fifz yer, ve vil hav a reil sensi bl riten styl.

Zer vil be no mor trubl or difikultis and evrivun vil find it ezi TU understand ech oza. Ze drem of a united urop vil finali kum tru.

Und efter ze fifz yer, ve vil al be speking German like zey vunted in ze forst plas.

If zis mad you smil, pleas pas on to oza pepl.
Dedicated to the intelligentia...!

Tuesday, 5 January 2016

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Malayalam WhatsApp Joke

ഒറ്റപെടൽ കൊണ്ടുണ്ടാകുന്ന പ്രശ്നങ്ങൾ ഒഴിവാക്കാൻ എന്തു ചെയ്യണം❓❓
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മറ്റേ പെടൽ കൂടി ഫിറ്റ് ചെയ്യണം  ������

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Amazon Funny Comment

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Gangster Granny Funny Picture



WhatsApp Funny Pics
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